I decided to write about this because this is something I've recently been struggling with. I've always been the farthest thing from modest or shy and I always imagined tons of people in the room with me when the baby is born. I wanted my sister, my mom, my cousin, my mother-in-law, my dad, and my step-dad, on top of my husband, my midwife, her assistant, and of course me. The more pregnant I get, the more ridiculous this all sounds. I've become a more secluded person, and when I imagine my dream birth now, I imagine just my husband and I...if I could do this without my midwife, I would. I imagine a little room, with candles everywhere, and the intimate moment of my husband and I bringing the little life into the world. But that's not realistic these days, so I've been putting thought into it. My one bit of advice for anyone out there like me-all your guests can sit in the waiting room! I think it's important to consider how you will feel in that moment, not how you feel now. It's hard for me, because I want to share that moment with everyone, but it's our natural instinct to want to birth alone. And I think those feelings start to develop during pregnancy. Most animals go to be alone in a safe place to birth their litters, and humans aren't much different. I think for me a big part of it is looking vulnerable infront of people I'm not willing to look vulnerable infront of. I think this is also nature speaking...most animals won't look vulnerable infront of anyone for fear of attack or someone spotting your weakness. This is a moment where you are exposed, you are stressed, you are scared, you are in pain, you are protective, and frankly, a little crazy. So it's important to consider who you are willing to have there with you. For me the first one I crossed off my list was someone very close to me...while she is one of my best friends and I'm very close with her, she tends to laugh at moments that I need seriousness, she makes a joke out of pretty much anything, and it's usually at the person's expense. And while I love that about her any other day, I am scared I'd flip out on her during birth and say something I might regret. So even though you love things about people right this second, consider your sensitivity on birthday. The next one I crossed off the list was my dad-he hates blood, and still thinks of me as his baby, and I'm not sure i really want to rock that boat. Plus, who wants their dad to seem them naked? I know I don't. Next was my step-dad. The reason I wanted him in the room was to balance my husband. My husband is very sympathetic and coaxing, I know he'll be there to rub me down, and tell me I'm doing great, and not to worry. And while I need that, at the same time, if I stop cooperating, or start to give up, I need that person that's gonna tell me to shut up and buck up...that's Monty for me. He was always the one at my ball games telling me to walk it off. But I decided I wanted to have both of my dad's in the waiting room where I'll be laboring a lot, so they will still be there to experience the day with me, and stretch out their support. After I eliminated those people, I eliminated everyone [like I said, I'd do this all myself if I could] But realistically I have settled on my husband and my mom, and his mom if she feels comfortable at the moment. My husband and my mom have been the ones my whole life who have seen me at my worst, seen me naked, and cleaned up my worst. Plus, who's the one you want most when you're sick? Mom. So she is definitely going to be the voice I need in the room. I invited my mother-in-law, because this moment is about Thomas too, and I figured she had 5 kids, so I'm sure she might know a trick or two. ;) But it's not a forced thing, she might feel uncomfortable seeing me in a way she never has, or she may feel out of place, so I'm leaving the decision ultimately up to her. But 3, plus me, plus my two doctors, seems like plenty to me! And who knows, I might get crazy and kick everyone out! haha. I think my advice is to leave your options open and to consider what you will want then, not now.
Another thing to consider, especially if you're considering a midwife-is your labor process. My midwife encourages a lot of natural ways to sooth labor, and to speed it up if we have to, including walking, swimming, rocking, love making, and getting on the floor and doing weird exercises. So if you will have people around that area while you're doing any of those, consider who you are comfortable doing those things infront of [excluding the love making-of course you have your own room for personal time with your husband]. I knew I wanted my step dad close for all of that, for the reasons I said before...He's just always been the person to help me get through pain and he uses such simple logic, which I think I'll benefit from at that time. So it's just a matter of really considering people's personalities when you decide to let them be a part of your birthing experience. Also consider who can be focused and who can be quiet. Sometimes you'll just want everyone to shut up, and if you invite that hilarious uncle who has to have the last word in all the time, you might end up punching him. But all in all, don't forget that it's YOUR decision, and it's YOUR feelings that matter. Don't let anyone make you feel bad, or guilt trip you into choosing anything in your birth plan that you aren't ok with in the slightest.
Also, coming home. For me, I have a lot of family coming from out of town to be here for the birth [even out of state!], and it's natural for me to want to house them, feed them, and make them comfortable. But I can tell you right now, you don't want them around. This is hard for me, because I feel like everyone is going to be here to see baby, and spend time with us, but I don't think I want to see much of anyone for a few days after the baby is born, so I'm going to suggest to anyone staying that they stay a good week, so I can start to feel a little better, and be a bit more stable to visit with anyone at all. If you have family that comes into town and stays with you at your house usually, you need to make it clear before they make their plans that they will need to find a hotel to stay at, or other family's houses. The thing with out of town family is they will be very excited to see you and their focus will be on visiting. And after the birth, home time is about you and baby and daddy ONLY. So I'll share a bit of my plan with you. My biggest fear about coming home is having excessive bleeding. I just know this is going to be something I struggle with, so I'm considering who I feel comfortable around while I'm wearing adult diapers and potty pads on the bed. So I've decided my husband will be there of course, but to be honest, his job may keep him working shortly after the birth [we are looking into paternity leave rights], so I want a few people on call, or checking on me and baby for a few days. So of course, my mom will be the first one I call for anything. Also, my brother in law Mark will be living with us, and at first I was a little up in the air about that one during the home time. But the more I think about it, the more I am glad he will be there. Mark and I are close and I feel comfortable with him. It will be nice to have someone near incase anything happens, and I know he'd be willing to help,and best of all-he's quiet! This is my biggest concern for being home. I just want quiet! I will decide when visiting time is ok, and they will be short visits. I plan on sending out a text to any inlaws, cousins, sibilings, and parents that want to visit when I feel best. I think it's important not to make promises. Instead of saying, "oh yeah, come over tomorrow around 3" say things like "I'll text you tomorrow if I feel up for any company". In the first few days after the baby is born, your body is going through so much, you are still having contractions, cramps, bleeding, headaches, and many more adjustments, not to mention you are trying to learn to breastfeed, bond with baby, and attempt to change diapers all in the mix. The last thing I want in that time is movie time in the next room. [especially if you knew how small our apartment is!] So I hope I gave you some good advice, just remember that this time is about you and baby, and other's wishes will just have to be put on hold. It's too important for your health and sanity!
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