16 & 17 week update...Blegh!!

I'm so sorry it's been so long since I've updated this, but to be honest, this has been the hardest week of my entire life.  I'm 17 weeks and 3 days as I write this, and I've never been so thankful to say that I'm pregnant right now, because all week I've though that we were miscarrying.  So here's the story.
I'm skipping week 16 completely, because nothing too much happened, other than I got some great baby projects done [which I'll post later on]
So on Sunday night [today is Wednesday] I was celebrating my dad's birthday at his house [which is two doors down from mine-thank God!] and as we were wrapping up a game of Phase 10, I thought I felt some discharge in my panties, and I ignored it since we were leaving soon anyways.  When we left I went upstairs to my apartment, went pee, and when I finished I saw the toilet was full of blood, and so was my panties-and there was a blood clot...of course it's decieving to bleed into a toilet since a few drops can turn the whole thing red, but I flipped out.  I was hysterically yelling for my husband, and got his phone and called my mom, and she reminded me to call my midwife, and when I did my midwife told me to come straight to her house [the birthing center] to see if we could hear the baby's heartbeat and he sounded good, and he was moving around.  My midwife checked my pad, and it looked like the bleeding had stopped, so she sent me home and we decided not to get the sonogram because most likely it wasn't going to show anything, and we just wanted to wait and see if anything happens.  I wasn't having cramping or any pain, so there was a good chance that it wasn't anything.  The next day I took it easy and had no bleeding.  Then Tuesday afternoon I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding again.  I went hysterical.  Here I just calmed myself down and dismissed it as nothing, and it was back!  I called my midwife and she wanted to get me in for a sonogram but the earliest they could get me in was 9am today.  So we drove to her house and heard the heartbeat again and everything seemed fine.  By the time we got to her house the bleeding stopped again.  So we had the option of going to the hospital, hoping they would give me a sonogram, and wait two days at least to get the information sent to my midwife, or going through the night, worrying a lot, but finding out what is going on a few hours after.  It was hard to wait and feel like I'm doing nothing, but we decided to wait until the morning.  I spent the entire night crying, and got about two hours of sleep-of which I had a horrible nightmare about picking up my baby out of the toilet full of blood.  Needless to say, it was a rough night.  I finally got to wake up and start my day, and my mom and stepdad, Monty, took me to the sonogram.  I walked into the room with the thought that this was probably my goodbye to the baby, which for that reason I was glad my husband wasn't there.  I needed this moment.  Mind you the night before my midwife said I need to come to terms that this is probably the begining of a miscarriage.  I laid down on the table and tried to breathe.  Immediately I saw him wiggling around, and I started balling.  The baby was doing great, but then we see the placenta is lying completely over the cervix, which means complete placenta previa.  Which I don't want to get too much into on this post.  Long story short, my midwife calls me over to her house as soon as she gets the results and tells me she is no longer going to be my caretaker unless I refuse to see a doctor, and that I will need to go on bed rest and have a c-section.  How ironic.  The girl that hates doctors, the girl who just started nesting and wanting to house work, the girl who most feared c-sections and needles-I feel like my world is tumbling down around me.  Most likely the baby will come early, so everything about the birth is really risky.  That's where we are at right now.  I'm waiting to find out who my new doctor will be, but we are inquiring doctors in Red Bluff before we settle for Mercy.  In the meantime, my husband is amazing.  He's catering to my every need.  I'm really thankful for all the prayers and all the support from family and friends.  I'm hanging in there, but truly, this is all tearing me apart.  My every nightmare is coming true.  I just want this baby in my arms already.  I love him so much already, and I'm willing to lay down my life for him.  I feel so helpless.

15 weeks.

I turned 15 weeks today.  Not too much has changed other than just feeling pregnant 100% of the time.  It's hard to bend over...well not hard, just uncomfortable, so I avoid it.  Work is becoming annoying for that reason-getting into tall trucks just doesn't happen.  I feel huge.  But of course I'm not.  A new annoyance is my boobs are leaking the clear stuff, and it stings a little bit, so I started wearing nursing pads today.  I felt like a total dork with bandaids over them, like I did when I was a little girl and they were first growing.  So sore!
Speaking of boobs, at my last doctor's appointment, I brought up my concerns about my breastfeeding difficulties.  I've been concerned because only my right breast is changing and growing.  My left one is just chillin' there without a worry.  I've always had difficulty with my left breast in general, so I was worried that I wasn't going to be able to breast feed, but with much confidence my midwife told me "not to worry because many women breast feed with just one breast"...yeah, just what I wanted to hear doc!  haha.  We'll see what happens, and I wont give up.  If I only get to use one, then I'll make it work.
A little about my short appointment-The heartbeat was strong, but she only listened for a second, so I didn't get to try to hear for two heartbeats.  She said next time would be a better time to try to decipher two different ones.  I'm still measuring big.  I did some research and according to babycenter.com I'm measuring 3 weeks bigger than I am [I think I did it right!].  This is making the idea of twins swim through my brain, but I'm trying to get worried or excited yet.  Measuring big could mean lots of things-more fluid than normal, just a big baby, or maybe I'm just so small that it has no where to go.
I only gained two pounds in the last 4 weeks, so I'm trying really hard to change that.
We discussed my diet, and I got really emotional.  I'm trying so hard to eat better,but it's just not good enough, and it makes me feel like an awful mother.  So, I'm trying to man up with the situation.  I can't eat raw veggies...I just can't.  So my husband has been putting them in my fruit smoothies.  I'm trying to drink V8 and Odwalla or whatever it's called.  It's awful, but I'm trying.  The textures of veggies makes me throw up, and they get caught in my throat, and it's the worst torture of them all.  Pathetic?  Maybe...  I am doing better with the fruits....I used to feel the same about them.  I love the flavor of fruits-but hate the texture...so I always got my fruits in through jamaba juices and health popsicles.  But I'm actually starting to eat some here and there.  This is the hardest part of pregnancy for me honestly.
With the second trimester a lot has changed for the better...My sickness is all gone, but I do get motion sickness once in a while.  I still hate beef and chocolate, which I was hoping would improve these last few weeks.  Sex is finally enjoyable...so for all you pregnant ladies who was repulsed by the idea like me, it gets better so don't give up for your poor husband!  Not only is it enjoyable, but I actually want it, so that's great.  My midwife gave me some great information about sex positions and what not that I will share in a separate blog post sometime.  [I feel like I make lots of blog promises, but I promise that I will keep them sooner or later!]
One thing I've been struggling with this week and the week before-my nightmares are back.  the weird dreams have stopped, and now I'm having my horrible unmentionable nightmares again like I did when I was a kid.  They pretty much subsided when I was about 16, but they are back full fledged and worse than ever before.  So I'm hoping this doesn't continue.  =/
Well that's about it, I suppose.